I'm tired beyond belief, but I wanted to start this blog before I go on with the repetitive Groundhog Day movie that is my life and ultimately forget.
I've been taking a very thorough assessment of my life and the coping mechanisms I use on an hourly, daily, weekly basis. Even yearly, actually. Throughout the past six or seven years, I've developed a routine or "anti-routine" and a series of short-term band-aids for the situations that are continuously recurring on my own accord.
Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This applies to me directly. Every month I have an annual feeling as I did the previous year, and alcohol is used to connect the dots. It's filler for the monotony I create out of my apathy. And it needs to stop. The big thing here is that I don't like feeling. I used to think that my emotions were too intense, and that's why I needed to medicate somehow. It turns out, I'm magnifying all the bad emotions by proliferating this behavior. Then the consequences follow. I'm too hung over to speak to my advisor, go to class. I'm too depressed that I can't get out of bed or exercise. I'm too tired to talk to Mom, cook something healthy, clean my room.
I am insane for thinking I can drink the way I do and function (grow, develop, create, feel, appreciate) like a normal human being.
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