Mo' money

Hello, my name is Stephanie. I just started balancing my checkbook today.

Yes, today. You know how I turned 28 last month? Remember that shit? I've gone years and countless overdraft fees too long. Somehow, putting a finite, solid number down in this check plastic-cased checking ledger makes everything so crystal clear.

"No, Stephie. You may not spend anymore money. You're out of it." My checking balance says this in a calm, commanding, unoffensive voice. I don't argue with it. It doesn't chastise me. It just let's me know. And I listen.

I find this a serendipitous event, because today while depositing money at the bank, the teller asked if I'd like to open up a savings account. I let out a deep, exasperated breath and said yes.

"Yes, I will grow up. Yes, I will take accountability for my finances and organize my funds."

I'm disappointed it took me this long, but I'm proud too, I guess. It's like I'm watching myself get on the bus to my first day of responsibility/financial planning school.

28. Ugh.

Birthdays just aren't that exciting anymore. I don't get that "OH-MY-GOD-CONFETTI-IS-GONNA-SHOOT-FROM-THE-CEILING Feeling" now.

I'm in New York City.

I fucking love it. LOVE IT, I tell you. I want to move here.

Details to follow.

Frienzzzz

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to have a solid group of loving, reliable people around you. With the slew of weddings I have been going to and now that I have a work schedule where I can actually hang out with friends, I've been feeling incredibly lucky being able to connect with people. I looked at Annie yesterday and felt so thankful. I hung out with Kevin and I couldn't stop hugging him. I'm going to New York to visit Vanessa next month.

What a great thing, really.

Embarrassment is okay.

I used to be a fat kid. I mean really. As in, my mother didn't let me do sports as a kid because she was afraid I'd make an ass of myself - counterintuitive sounding to not let your fat child play sports, I know, but the woman was thinking. She signed my brother and me up for afterschool programs at the YMCA. My brother took gymnastics and I took computer classes. I'm really good at playing Oregon Trail.

I follow Jason Mraz's blog.

I sign loud to Sixpence None The Richer.

I still call my parents Mommy and Daddy.

I have a weird obsession with Jimmy Smits and John Stamos.

Hmm.

When a guy catcalls out to you from his car, it's awkward.


When a guy catcalls out to you from his car and there's a baby in the back sitting in a child's carseat, it blows your fucking mind.

Tick tock

Jeff and Gretchen got married on Saturday and I had never gotten such a big reality check in my entire life. I need to grow the fuck up, man. Our friends have babies! Our friends have marriage licenses! Our friends don't party all the time!

Am I a free spirit or just lagging behind?

Things I have learned about myself.

I cringe when people call me "Steph".

I had a dream the other day that I went to Pitchfork/Lollapalooza/Insert-name-of-music-festival and I woke up with a panic attack, which just solidifies my phobia of crowds and overstimulation.

Despite my homebody tendencies, I sure do work and go out a lot.

I like living in my head more than in real-life.

I have five dresses in my closet that still have the tags on them.

If my mother weren't such a tough lady and hadn't raised me as such, I'd surely have a constant-victim mentality.

I am constantly searching for a way out or something better.

Le Sigh

And everything is back to normal.

I woke up today and went to work. My boss told me that I was doing a great job and that I should keep it up and it made me feel good. Afterward, I deposited money in the bank, went to school to check on my fall schedule, and paid bills. When I got home, I did yoga. I showered and then did my nails. After that I called an old high school friend and we talked about how exciting it is to work toward something, how good having a future makes you feel. I read a Murakami novel while doing a load of laundry, and now I'm allowing myself the luxury of daydreaming for a while this afternoon. Call it meditation for those with short attention spans, if you will.


I feel happy.

Raise your hand if you want to be in a relationship after watching this video!

I could be self-righteous and say that these people are ridiculous and petty, but don't lie, we have all acted like this at some point in our lives at least once. Just admit it. Or don't, and acknowledge it privately.

And toes are the new fingers...

Me: Making out is exciting now because no one does just that anymore. 1st base is the new 3rd base.

Mike: Dayum steph, you might be onto something.

Hello goodbye.

I have smart friends.

I've been getting fresh doses of reality lately. A lot of it has been hard to take, but this little snippet today really floored me and gave me some perspective. In a weird way.

"Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself because you got dumped. That's what you get for dating a fucking loser* in the first place."




ZING.

*Please note that I don't consider any of my exes losers. If anything, they are the complete opposite. But you know you got palz-4-ever when they give you that tough love and chew your ass out for being a whiny bitch.

My teenage angst, epitomized.

Today is one of those pensive days where I'm thinking a lot about where I'm at and where I used to be. Not really in terms of what exactly I'm doing, but the kind of head space I'm in and how that has changed since I was young. I was a really confused kid. I didn't know myself very well and what I did know, I had a very difficult time conveying into words. Which is why the following things were so cathartic for me.







So, I'm listening to this music today and watching episodes of Daria and I'm feeling like I'm 14. Except this time around, it's for fun and it's just reminding me of what a drama queen I used to be. GOD.

It's ironic that this is such a short post.

But I've been writing a ton. Not on here, but like I used to on real paper with nice pens until my hand hurt. It feels good to be back into it again.

Ever notice?

I'd say that Full House has the most catchphrases ever. Ok, maybe not ever, but have you ever noticed how almost every character has one?

Michelle Tanner: "You got it, dude!" or "You're in big trouble, Mister!"

Joey: "Cut IT OUT!"

Stephanie Tanner: "How rude!" and "Well pin a rose on your nose"

Uncle Jesse: "Have mercy!"

DJ Tanner: "Whoa baby!"


Who thinks of these? More importantly, why do I remember this shit?

Also, I think it's funny how in the show, Danny Tanner is a straight-laced, conservative type of dude. But his stand-up is totally raunchy. And I don't know which side I was into, exactly, but I had somewhat of a crush on him growing up (not as much as John Stamos, please note). So this one time, when I was a junior in college, I met this guy at a bar who looked a lot like Bob Saget. He bought me drinks all night and I'm not gonna lie, I made out with him. And I totally accidentally called him Danny. Memories.

Snap.

Hey, remember these?. I bought them. For $25.

I am a very glamorous and sensible woman.

Patience is a virtue.

I'm really impatient, so when I make a marinade for my chicken and it's all chillin' out in my fridge in a tupperware, I get antsy and I cook it after like, a half hour because I'm so curious to see what it's gonna taste like. And then more often than not, it's not that great because I didn't wait long enough for the complex flavas to set in.

This is a lot like how my sex life and relationships used to be in my early 20s.


Just sayin'.

I love my friends.

Me
what have you been up to?
10:08am

Ben
ive a new girlfriendz
ive a new girlfriendz
10:08am

Me
what's her deal?
10:09am

Ben
she works in civic core with my brother, but she's going to law school in long island in the fall. Her name is Sade and she lives in the Bronx.
10:10am

Me
sade like the singer of "smooth operator"?
10:10am

Ben
haha the same
10:11am

Me
that's hot.
10:11am

Ben
she is quite the smooth operator
i gotta go nurse my hang over at coney island
10:12am

Me
that sounds sad and weird.
i imagine coney island to be a creepy place, i don't know why
10:13am

Ben
there's nothing weird about paying skeeball and riding the tilt-a-whirl with a heroin junkie
the beach is actually really nice
10:15am

Me
fun
well, have a good day hunny

Relief

It's 1:45am and I'm waiting on a load of laundry to dry so I can go to sleep. It's Saturday night, and I spent this evening washing load after load, and eating half of a pizza in between. Sounds dismal, I know.

But I really enjoyed it.

I don't work at The Local anymore. I'm pretty happy about that. For a while, I kept putting off asking myself what I would do when I wasn't staying up until 3:30 in the morning working my ass off. I was making quite a bit of money and spending it all in frivilous ways. I wasn't focusing that well on school or my life path - or what I thought was my life path, since it all revolved around drinking and working 30 hours a week in a bar.

I'm cocktailing at Genna's Cocktail Lounge now. It's good hours, and by good, I mean better - at the very latest I'll get home at 1am. I got another job serving at a restaurant that's opening up soon off the square, so that'll be nice in that I can go to bed by 11pm. I'm finally going to live like a normal human being and have a normal sleep schedule. It feels surreal.

Money is kinda tight now, but I only consider it that way because I was blowing all my hard earned money before on clothes and going out to eat every day. After folding all of this laundry, I realized how much shit I have that I don't need. I'm gonna sell a lot of it. I'm gonna simplify. And move forward.

I just feel so much better about my future.

Interactions with my Kick-Ass Roommate, Noel.

Stephie: What are you guys up to?

Noel: We're making a bed of nails.

Stephie: Why?

Noel: Because I don't have one.

Stephie: Oh, OK.

Holy shit, look at these fucking shoes.

Will someone please help me justify this purchase? They're cute. They're $45. THEY'RE SNEAKERS THAT LOOK LIKE FUCKING SADDLE SHOES!

Feelinz

Jealousy may be a useless emotion, but it sure feels more active and satisfactory than loneliness.

I'm a glutton for punishment.

The older I get, the less my body likes me.

Case #1
The Korean food I grew up on now gives me heartburn. HEART-BURNZZ!

Case #2
The Irish whiskey I so love to drink gives me heartburn and extreme hangovers. Anyone recall that two-day hangover on my 27th birthday? Well, I do.

Case #3
The pad thai I ordered a few days ago (the one that was so spicy I couldn't even finish it) almost made me call in to work, it messed me up so much.

You know what, though? I'm Korean, I'm gonna eat Korean food. I'm also Irish, so I'm gonna drink the hell out of that Irish whiskey. And I'm poor, so I'm gonna finish that pad thai even if it kills me.

Sigh

Saturday night I was bartending, and this kid I've known for a few years in the service industry is hanging out in the bar. He asks me if I want to go downstairs and do cocaine with him during my next break and I couldn't even answer. It's been so long since I've done a retarded drug like that. I just kind of walked away.

I also bartended Friday night, and an old friend who got out of rehab a couple months ago came in. He got pretty drunk and asked if I wanted to party after work. I didn't.


People just make me sad, sometimes.

Updatin'

Well holy shit, y'all, I was gone for a while, but I'm back. What's new with me, you ask?



I've developed a severe dependency on kombucha, which is killing my wallet.

School is great. Great-great-great.

I've kept my weight down, so that's cool.

I've got some really great people in my life right now, and I won't get into it much, but I've never been happier about that.

There's a big pot of Korean curry simmering on the stove right now and it smells amazing. I'm really going to make a solid effort to learn how to cook more Korean food and finally learn the language.

I paid my tuition for the semester! In full! All by myself!




So yeah, that is all.

Funny haha

I once went seventeen years without having sex.


Get it?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

I'm a star!

Wednesday night I was given the opportunity to sing a couple songs with Danny Paris and the 'Shiners and the Crystal Corner Bar. Actually, I was given the opportunity to sing one song, then whined drunkenly until they let me sing another.

Anyway, fact of the matter is, if you were there, you saw Stephie Hana Powers and all her colors, for all the world to see. Hell yes, I drank whiskey that night and kissed people I didn't know. No, I didn't sing well. And no, I'm not embarrassed. Will I be asked back? Hmmm, probably not. But I don't regret a thing.

This is the stuff memories are made of.

Annie and I have been talking online about lingerie...

Annie: It's always the same whether it's hot, french cut lacy things, or sensible white cotton. That's why I just try to be creative with my pubes.
Right now I'm sporting what I call, "The Hitler"
Very cute.

Me: i'm sporting "The Mad Men" very five o'clock shadow-y
more aptly titled "The Don Draper"

Annie: Ooh. Don't turn it into "the lumberjack" there's a thin line, a thin line.

Me: werd.

I've lost 17 pounds total.

95% of it is from my boobs.


Story of my life.

Cuckoo

Mania is a pretty fun thing. I honestly don't mind it. It doesn't bother me when I wake up at 4am and draw, it's not too worrisome when I cook in the middle of the night.

What does bother me, though is when I have epiphanies and can't remember them. I called Vanessa not too long ago with a sincere revelation that I needed to express. A week later we talked and I was embarrassed to say, I couldn't remember it.

Man, if I'm going to be crazy, I'd like to remember it, at least.

Nostalgia

I like the band Polaris. Like in the way that I like the Spin Doctors. Not too much, but enough that it totally still means something to me.



When I was in middle school I pictured my future-college-boyfriend to look like the singer of the Spin Doctors. Some of the guys I dated weren't too far off. DESTINY?! I believe so.

Anti-depressants, Peppermint Tea and Spacehog = My day is pretty okay.

Close call...

I've got four dollars and sixty-eight cents in my bank account because I'm bad at depositing money and keeping track of my balance after buying $6.99 nude-colored "Petals" (they're basically pasties so you don't have to wear a bra). But you wanna know what? IT WAS WORTH IT. Even if I didn't need them IT WUDDA BEEN WURTH IT.

I might be weird

But putting on my Tom's of Maine Lavender-scented natural deodorant is consistently a highlight of my day. Dang, it smells SO good.

Have you ever thought... ?

Have you ever looked at a guy and he had a face on him that just made you say Dayum, you would be a really cute girl, you with your feminine face and all. Scott Wolf is an example.

See?! What a pretty girl, he'd be!
Anyway, I just noticed that Brooke Shields may be the counterpart.

I didn't say she's make a handsome man, but dang, girl got a severe case of Filly Face.