Don't be jealous.

My dad got me an H1N1 vaccine for Christmas.

Holla.

I have to try to remember.

When things or feelings are terrible or blissful or completely mundane, they'll always still be fleeting.

Not exactly proud, but...

Today I Googled "How to make Pot Brownies".

Just a thought.

I think that we're all just oversized children, looking for parents in other people.

Mitch Albom, What the Fuck?

You're a terrible writer. I just read "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". It was a waste of half a day.

I got the book off my mother's bookshelf, but I know for a fact that she didn't give anyone money for it, because she's a smart woman. I'm sure one of her fellow nurses at work was went up to her and said "Michong! I have the most heartfelt, touching, time-wasting and masturbatory pieces of literature ever for you to read!"

I'm angry. Really. I've got friends who genuinely care about writing - and you, Mitch Albom, are the Nickelback of writers.

Leaving

Someday I am going to move to New York City and suss out this Girl-Wild-in-the-City vision until I get it out of my system. I'll dress like a moody art student and start listening to experimental whatever-the-fuck. And I won't talk much, but when I do, it'll be extremely profound and people will chew on that shit for days.

Then, later I'll realize that I'm way too sensitive and realistic to live like this and that leaving home doesn't mean my being has been surgically removed from myself; that geography isn't always inspiration. I'll put on some sensible shoes and a good coat and I'll go back home to Wisconsin where somehow everything will feel warmer to me and I'll hug my mother and father.

Payback

I spent about twenty minutes in front of the mirror today, tugging at my face. It was so depressing. Wrinkles, pores, lines, sags.

One of the things I used to love doing to shamelessly fish for compliments in my early twenties (yes, it seems like ages ago) was ask people how old they thought I was. They'd usually say 19 or 20, and I'd squeal in delight "NO! You're SO wrong! I'm ACTUALLY 24!" And they'd be like "Oh my God, NOT POSSIBLE!" And I'd be like "Oh my God, YES!"

So my time and disappointment in front of the mirror today has got to be some kind of karmic payback for the gluttony of attention years ago. I believe it.

I get so wrapped up in this. I scrutinize and dissect everything wrong with the way I look - hell, girls all do this to each other. And I realize that all we are is a bunch of furniture frames walking around draped with different varieties of slipcovers and it makes me feel like the worrying is really fucking pointless.

Skanks.

Once upon a time, I was 14 years old and living in Paris for the summer. I went to an international school and befriended some Australian twins, Estelle and Stephanie. These girls were 16, pack-a-day smokers, street-smart, and beautiful. They took me under their wing and brought me to flea markets and stores around town and it made me feel incredibly cool. One day, I asked them if I could try a cigarette. Estelle asked me if I was sure. I nodded and they looked at each other and smiled - the feeling to corrupt someone must be disgustingly satisfying - took out a pack of Marlboro Reds, and put one in my mouth. I was completely intent on doing this, and doing it right. We all stopped in the marble arch doorway of their apartment and Stephanie lit my cigarette.

I didn't know how to smoke it. I didn't know how to inhale. So, we went on with our day, walking around Paris. They were intent on teaching me how to do this, so for the entire afternoon, Estelle continuously put a new cigarette in my mouth as soon as the last one would burn down to the butt. Regardless of whether or not I was really smoking, I felt cool. After the seventh or eighth cigarette, I burst into a coughing fit. Estelle and Stephanie's faces lit up. I did it! From then on, I was a smoker... at least, whenever they would bum me one.

A few weeks later, a girl from Detroit named Helen joined our classes at the school. She was a bad girl, from her gelled, slicked back ponytail to her baggy jeans. She smoked cigarettes like Estelle and Stephanie did, and made fun of me when I'd cough. She told me I was dumb for liking No Doubt. Helen and the twins went to bars and discotheques and got drunk. Helen met a boy and lost her virginity in a park. The twins thought that was cool. Helen, Helen, Helen. I was heartbroken. My only friends in this huge city of Paris, and they were taken away from me by a skank.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of Estelle and Stephanie when I smoke cigarettes, sometimes. I remember their faces well. Those bitches.

Did someone slip me some ecstasy?

'Cause man oh man, I just wanna hug EVERYONE today!

Teddy said:

"You know what? I'm not even gonna bother asking you about your awkward behavior."

Thank you! It's exhausting sometimes explaining it. :)

So...

So I'm at the library and this girl is complaining to her friend about finals. "I think I'm going to quit school and try out for American Idol", she says.

And all I can think is Daaayyum girrrl. You've got a world of hurt ahead of you.

"If you love me you'll be honest"

Don't say it if you can't do it, too.

Pffft.

One thing I really don't like about my character is that I'll occasionally get really overzealous about/with some thing only to let it fizzle to nothing.

The most recent example would be coconut water.

The last thing was shopping organic. The thing before that was veganism. The thing before that was anything Jason Schwartzman-related. Ugh, don't ask.

Anyway, moderation is a difficult concept for me to grasp. Go big or go home, I guess.

Overlooked, again.

So, someone's taking a stay in the hurt closet for not calling me when they thought Let's find a mediocre-looking, yet cute asian girl to get to kiss Michael Cera and start an adorable indie relationship.

It's funny, I've been asked a few times, "Do you feel very connected with your asian heritage?" The answer: I used to. It was a big part of my life growing up, going to Korean church, having more Korean and half Korean friends. We ate Korean food at home and my mom spoke to us in the language. And it seemed that no one could get over this fact. In Green Bay it was such a big deal - Holy shit, your mom is KOREAN? But this just isn't the case anymore. Compared to my other mixed friends, I don't look quite as asian. I don't really carry on any of the customs. I feel completely guilty for never learning the language. It seems that the older I get, the more I'm just not Korean enough.

I'm pretty sure this is why I wasn't in this movie.

Words from Momma.

"Sometimes it's a good thing to feel lonely"



Still trying to wrap my brain around that one, Mom.

Dr. Feelgood

Sounds like I need to get kinda familiar with this Deepak Chopra guy.

Pet Peeve #952

You're a bartender, not a "Mixologist".

And you're bartending, not "slingin' drinks!"

Anyone who has the balls to use either of these terms is not a real bartender. They're just getting paid to fuck things up. FYI.

Peace

Teddy signed a lease for a new apartment recently, so I've been helping him get set up with all the little things. For instance, it is very important to have a complete spice collection in the kitchen, and I know for a fact that if I weren't there to remind him, he'd never buy Qtips. Or dish soap. Or garbage bags. You get it.

So, it's on the east side, which is a bit of a hike from my place downtown. I could easily bike there if I weren't afraid of my bike being stolen. It's not a bad neighborhood, per se, though there is an adult toy store a block away. It does have covered off-street parking, though! And heat is included! And two bedrooms! And laundry in the building! (Let's focus on positives here to off-set the adult toy store thing.)

Anyway, spending some time there has been good for me. It's unbelievable how living downtown just gets to me sometimes. There's just way too much stimulus and my mental filter malfunctions. And have I ever mentioned that I'm 80% sure that I suffer from Agoraphobia? I just like being at home, being safe, being unbothered. Give me a good book and some knitting and I'm fine. I feel peaceful right now (though I am dreading going in to work tonight).

I think that if I just make sure that I'm giving myself some time to reflect and be alone, I'll be ok.