Overwhelmed

I am in a bad headspace.

This hasn't happened in a long time (thank God) and it doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I think every time Why don't I have a backup plan?! Like, someone reliable to call, a therapist, a hotline. Or I often wonder, if I were on meds, would that keep my moods more stable?

I've got this huge issue with medications. I won't get into it too much, but I'm not happy with the fact that I don't trust doctors and pharmaceutical companies.

Anyway, I get like this and I know that most of my day will be spent crying and sleeping. I briefly freaked out on a good friend - via text, ugh! - and cried, then slept. This is not rare. Also, I have my mechanisms that help me cope. Not eating, for instance, makes me feel prettier. Cleaning my room helps me declutter my brain. Writing out my schedule for the week makes me feel like I'm some kind of efficient, functional, normal human being.

It's just a really rotten feeling, feeling spread so thin.

face

I have bouts where I feel like Anne Sexton.

But I'm really Emily Dickinson.

Vanessa called me today asking about John Popper.

Stephie: hey grrrrl

Vanessa: hi lovie

Stephie: i just got home from worky
did you get my voicemail?

Vanessa: i did

Stephie: john popper is a fat bastard.

Vanessa: hhaaaaaaa

Stephie: he's all bloated from doing cocaine and drinking

Vanessa: grossness

Stephie: and he's not funny but he thinks he is. i hung out with him for like six hours and the dude did not grow on me.

Vanessa: did he try to get in your panties

Stephie: no, we got into an argument before he could try. and he had a dinner plate piled with cocaine in his hotel room. and then he started making out with a homely girl. and i'm like "that's our cue - let's get the eff outta here". and she came into my bar a couple times after and all i could think was "holy shit you're the girl who actually had sex with john popper"

Vanessa: thats a horrific and fantastic story

Stephie: the stuff dreams are made of, vanessa. just a day in the life of stephie p.
yeah, did i ever tell you before how i hung out with him?

Vanessa: you did

Stephie: ok. good.

Vanessa: but i couldnt remember the whole story and blues traveler came up tonight and i needed your contribution

Stephie: yeah you almost have to feel bad for the guy. he's so incredibly socially retarded but he's surrounded by people who cup his balls all the time so he doesn't realize it. c'est la vie.

Vanessa: wow

This is the type of thing one of my best friends and I talk about at 3:30 in the morning (4:30 her time).

I turned 27.

I am not getting any younger and it makes me feel sad.

Social Detox

There are a lot of people in my life who don't need to be. It's time to purify.

This is somewhat of a Birthday Epiphany, if you will.

Self-discovery...

Not drinking for a little while has enlightened me to my long-hidden Type A personality.

I am annoying myself.