The worst.

So I check my Facebook account and I find that I've received a message from a close friend, "Moxie", whose wedding I'd be in this summer. Basically, in the nicest way possible, she tells me that I've been a bad friend lately. I reschedule our plans constantly, I'm always running late, I'm not involved enough, etc. She goes on to ask me (in the nicest way possible, of course) if I am still interested in being in her wedding because I've been so aloof and detached lately. At first, I get defensive and pissed, and automatically try to formulate my scathing reply. Then I realize...

I AM A BAD FRIEND. I mean really, I'm kind of a dick. Honestly, I am. The only things I really make time for are work and Teddy. Anything else is really just kind of outside my comfort zone. Then I realize that only an hour earlier, one of my best friends called my cell phone, and I sent it straight to voicemail, just because I didn't feel like talking that much. What if she needed to talk? And I'm hanging up just because I don't want to? I'm so busy being selfish and self-serving that I can't answer the phone? Teddy has told me over and over that I need more girl-friends. It's not that I have an aversion to girls and only befriend guys. It's more of an aversion to having too many close friends. The more close friends you have, the more close friendships you have to maintain. I'm fine with having a lot of friends, and do, but they border the work you'd put into an aquaintance you see a few times a year, which is typically how I roll.

So ultimately, I end up sending Moxie an e-mail and I apologize. I also tell her that I won't be in her wedding because I don't want to risk upsetting her anymore. While I'll admit I was relieved, I also felt extremely disappointed in myself.

I've really gotta work on this.